Part Two

And now the second part of my story! When we last left off, I was a Junior in highschool...and we were going to talk about my family. But I suppose it would be best to continue where we left off.

Senior year and the summer preceding it were very fun. I had a course I was taking over the summer with Mage, Shiva, LeFrench and Napoleon that we used mainly to goof off in. Cello and I went on a trip together and LeFrench, Mage, our other sci-fiers, and I went to go get the sixth book of the Harry Potter series, dressed up as wizards. Shiva and I even got to visit Six Flags and have a mini-trip before the book opening, and we had fun, although my sister and her boyfriend were perfect little nightmares, reaffirming all the insecurities I harboured many times over.

When school started, things seemed to be going well. I was vice-president of the sci-fi club, while LeFrench and Napoleon were co-president. I admit, I sort of wanted to be president, but I bowed out, because I simply had no desire to start a petty war. LeFrench and I tended to hang off of each other whenever we got the chance, and had very many adventures with each other, along with Mage. Sometime in the fall, I lived at Cello's house while her parents were away, and we declare to be each other's alter-ego, which was especially funny since our real names were the same.

Then, I don't know when it happened or exactly how, but Napoleon and LeFrench had a huge falling out. I found out later how and what had happened from Ghost, and then the whole story much later from LeFrench herself. Apparently, Napoleon had manipulated her way via tears into the tech head job that LeFrench was originally assigned to, and that, coupled with the fact that Napoleon couldn't respect Mage or I as human beings, caused LeFrench to break ties with her. I was shocked, since Napoleon was distraught and at the time I hadn't the faintest idea as to why they were angry at each other. I wanted to remain friends with Napoleon, even though I knew how poorly she thought of me, because deserting people just didn't seem to be a viable option, even after I learned of Napoleon's "indiscretions", although I then understood why LeFrench felt the need to break ties. I became a relay, for a short while, until it seemed that Napoleon no longer wanted to speak with me, and I decided, with a slightly heavy heart, that it would perhaps be best to just not make so much of an effort if I was getting nothing at all in return, and decided that perhaps, cordiality would be the best route if I could not have friendship.

Then, I re-doubled my efforts to spend as much time with my beloved LeFrench, and since Napoleon no longer seemed to feel that it would be important to attend sci-fi meetings, seeing as she had other things ranked higher on her priority list, LeFrench basically took complete control, and I backed her up as much as I could, since she too had just as many things to do as Napoleon, but managed to make time for the club anyway. I knew that Sci-Fi wasn't this big important club like NHS, but I still felt like Napoleon had slighted us, and that she should not have accepted a position as co-president if she could not make time for it. I didn't say this aloud, as I felt it would have been petty and mean, but it nonetheless rankled me, since I absolutely loved Sci-fi and our wonderful English room haven, and still do, to this day.

In the meantime, we had community service that we had to do that got us out of class every Monday, and in my group, I was the only one with a car, so I became the driver. We worked with little kids. Taking care of these children was one of the most fulfilling things I had ever done. When I was with the kids, it was impossible to be sad, because I had never felt so needed before in my entire life, save for when my friends had various crises, and it seemed silly and almost a bit selfish, but it was nice to have someone that wanted to play with me, wanted MY attention, and it didn't feel like it was one-sided. I bonded with the girls when we played dress up and house, and bonded with the boys over my impressive knowledge of "cool" things, like Ninja Turtles, Dinosaurs, and the Incredible Hulk.

Unfortunately, as happy as the service made me, I still had school to worry about, which of course, I was not doing so great at, plus, I had college apps to write. When I remembered about writing the apps, I went through a whole new faze of self-doubt...all of my friends seemed to have something they were very good at and the had a million and one things to put on their resumes...what was I supposed to put? Oh gee, I like to write frivolous little comics that occasionally have some sort of blasphemy or sexual innuendo and sing into my hairbrush to Queen. Yeah, I'm sure. I sent in my apps sure that it was hopeless...but I kept my chin up.

Things didn't bother me that much at all for a while, and I had even worked up the courage to ask a boy to escort me to the winter formal (since it was an all-girls school we had to do the whole Sadie Hawkins thing pretty much ALL THE TIME), and he accepted. It was a little daunting that afterwards, I found that the date he wanted had asked someone else...a little awkward, but it didn't stop me from having a good time. I felt pretty that night and my dress was fabulous. Sure my escort didn't know how to dance nor did he want to, but I was no Ginger Rogers myself, so I couldn't complain, especially since Cello lent me her date, who happened to be an old school mate of mine, and he danced like a dream. Afterwards, Cello, Mage, LeFrench, and I (along with our dates) went to go see Narnia while still in our formal wear (me minus my spiky heels, which I traded in for my driving moccasins). All in all, a good night, I felt content. But as the year came to an end things grew more stressful for everyone next semester.

I DID get into college, which was good, and I felt safer. Boy, that was probably a mistake. I worked very hard, but I ended up failing Statistics. It might not have been so bad, but they didn't let me walk during graduation...which wouldn't have been so bad if part of it wasn't because my family couldn't afford to essentially bribe them by making some sort of sizable donation, which had worked in the past when girls who were going to be expelled for various indiscretions that were supposedly supposed to result in automatic expulsion, like drug use, drinking, even poor grades like mine.

But after I shed quite a large amount of tears, I spoke with LeFrench, who stayed with me until I felt like I could pick myself up and start anew. I retook the class and graduated officially, and I spent the summer rather blissfully, a nice long family vacation, college orientation, followed by a road trip with Mage and LeFrench. When we got back things seemed to be going well, and I was breezing through college life quite happily until a little bit after my birthday.

I began to grow distant from my friends I met in college, I just didn’t know how to deal with them and the fact that even though I had friends I seemed to always eat alone at dinner in the cafeteria, which was a reminder of days past in which I would be sitting by myself because my friends were in their classes and I was too afraid still (to this day I still harbor this fear) that if I went up to one of the tables and asked to sit down, they would say there was no room for me or the seat was taken, and not just because it was either of those things, although I know some of them were, but it would be because they didn’t want me around.

The downward spiral only seemed to increase, my grades slipped and bottomed out, and I stopped caring about classes, period. I stopped going to the cafeteria and ate in my room, rationing my food, instead and cloistered myself. I toyed with the idea of throwing myself off of my roof, but shot it down quickly, as I did whenever I had those “I wish I was dead” thoughts, partly because I just couldn’t go through with the process of taking a life, partially because I still believed in God, and partially because even I couldn’t pretend that it wouldn’t leave my friends and family distraught, no matter how little self-worth I had, I guess part of me still was saying, “if you are really so awful that you should be shot, then why haven’t your friends and family ditched you yet?” Not exactly a cheerful thought, but enough that it kept me from doing anything too rash. I may not have been a very good actor, but I thought I hid my problems very cleverly, and although I felt an aching loneliness from the absence of my best friends, it was easier to hide the fact that I had essentially given up.

Luckily, Thanksgiving came, and the sense of euphoria from being able to be with my friends and family raised my spirits enough that I lasted until my winter holidays. I was so happy that I could be in a familiar place and wrap myself up in the warm memories that I had shared with family and friends. I could do another one of my favorite things, giving gifts, something I’d like to think I am good at. I don’t even care about getting anything in return, as corny as that sounds. I just feel so happy that I’ve made THEM happy, that my insides turn into squishy marshmallow goo. But shortly before New Year’s, my parents found out about my grades through a fluke, when my mother had been paying for my housing online. We talked, I said I would be better this semester, though I didn’t really tell them how I had been feeling, mainly because I didn’t want to freak them out, the same rationalization I had used for not divulging my thoughts to my friends.

Obviously, now I see that it was TERRIBLE idea on my part, since I cratered out even earlier this time, which lead me to just stop caring about taking care of myself. I just didn’t feel like eating anything or even getting out of bed, not that I could even get any decent rest. I only went to one class and I just didn’t know what to do. Suddenly I thought to myself...this isn’t right. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I need help. I had scared all of my friends through livejournal with a rather morbid post which had been made while I had most definitely not been lucid.

So I went over to the health center after my class and scheduled an appointment with a counselor and I gave LeFrench my usual friendly hello phone call, which usually goes straight to the message machine, but to my surprise, she picked up on the first ring. Slight bemused, I began telling her of my plans to get a job next semester and be a part-time student, and I told her that I was going to go see a counselor, though I didn’t elaborate. After I scheduled that appointment was when I first started posting on dA under this name. Most of you know the story from there. And I just wanted to say that I feel SO much better after I talked to her.

I had been to a therapist before, since I had ADHD, and I had hated “getting my head shruken” because of how they had patronized me, but the one I talked to on Thursday was absolutely wonderful and she really helped immensely. Sure, I might still have the blues a little bit, but I feel like a weight was lifted off of me. I’m seeing a PA the week after next because I took a little depression screening test, which I scored high enough on it (high scores are NOT good in this case, unfortunately, ) to where it is quite possible I have clinical depression.

But I left the counseling office with much more levity than I had before. I even went to the food festival that was taking place on campus with my aunt who lives nearby. I took your advice, , and did something nice for myself by eating lots of chocolate and good food, and for my something nice, well since it was a charity event and I was in practically a euphoric state, I gave them all the cash I had on me for the charity for children. I think I surprised the guy when I just said, “um, okay, is this alright then?” and dumped the money into the bucket. I was so giddy after that. I laughed at myself too, since I was like whoops, probably could have used that during Spring Break, eheh but really, no skin off of my nose since they definitely need that more than I need movie outings, Well, it's officially Spring break, so now I will get some much needed rest. Goodnight everyone!